Topaz is different. Topaz is definitely not a random dot in this whole system of universe. He is created for a purpose; he is not just another glitch in this mega system the God created in the first place. This is a story I would like to jot down, before I capitulate myself to schizophrenia. I believe I developed myself an unsound mind, unable to differentiate myself between needs and wants. This is about a crush I have all the time in my mind, welcome to my life. I am Jade and I want to tell a story about this crush I have on Topaz.
Topaz is a vogue-kind of a guy. He has a crazy but easy-going attitude and it’s easy for him to befriend with anyone, so it’s not hard for me to introduce my friends to him. He’ll always able to get close to them without troubles. So I brought my friends and introduced them to him. We were like a squad, always move together without leaving anybody behind. Topaz is a very generous guy, he never let us spend any money if we are with him. He always tries to treat everybody and shares whatever he has despites what we have given to him.
So I used to ask my friends to flirt him, well you know because the way I see it, he is the kind that always plays hard to get. Topaz is probably not the kind of the one whom succumbs to girls easily. Main reasons were because of his vogue-ness and only God knows how long he has been single for, I dare to bet for sure that he already opens his heart for nobody, only for the chosen one.
Learning these facts, despite the hardness I managed to inveigle a friend of mine to take him on, to open his closed heart for her, because I knew that she won’t be able to do it lest leaving me unharmed to learn the risk to attempt the undertaking of breaching an unmovable wrought iron heart. Well you see, most great heroes’ stories tell us that when a quest is given, a lot of champions will come and try, but the best and the last will come after learning one or two things, so here I am. Waiting for the chance. Learning and figuring out what do I need to do, creating myself a fail-safe trial.
A lot of things I ushered to my dear friend, starting from impromptu movie tickets I pre-ordered for them, a couple seat for them, I even wheedle my friend to ask her greets him at the movie’s entrance, asked her to buy him snacks, positioned them together when we were out drinking, I deliberately came late to a gathering so that they can be together for a short while, even asking her to invite Topaz personally to lunch date. All of it fails. Topaz seems to understand the situation so that few tries after, he dodged every requests from my friend.
In the middle of the progression, my heart was hooked and I was tortured by the fact that I am really in love, but only one-sided. I introduced my friends to him, and now they are getting close to him to the most unacceptable part in my honest opinion, talking about personal matters. I can’t accept this. It makes me feel very sad because I was the only one whom used to talk about problem and personal stuff, and now he’s talking about it to them. Topaz never talked about his history to others. I can’t let this continue. I will lose him forever if I do keep this thing up. I need to fight to win. I need to mend my heart once again, not to lose because if I do, I’ll die. I am not strong on my own. I need somebody to fight this world with. And he is over there, still taking to my friends, enjoying every chitchat and ignoring me only to use me at his advantage.
One cloudy day, I decided to cut off every feeling I have towards Topaz. I can’t do this. It’s hurt. Ittai ni boku wa kokoro. It’s hurt. My heart, I can’t take it. I started acting cold towards him. I must be cruel to him so that he will start distancing himself from me, and I could finally hate him silently and in peace. I even talked to Topaz about what’s on my mind and thing gets really awkward. He said that one thing I really feel so suicidal about. You have changed. I feel like I don’t know you anymore. You caused this to me. I am madly in love with you. Why can’t you see as I see and feel what I feel? I am so frightened of the fact that he won’t be able to see me anymore. My heart and my mind was arguing about letting him erase my existence completely from his life, or to hustle and struggle for his attention.
Not even a day I could proceed without seeing him in front of my eyes. When we were together, I wore my mask properly. I can’t let Topaz sees me like this. He will get the ideas of me being feeble. I can’t let him know that deep down inside, I am dying to cry on his shoulder, to hug him, to kiss him! An opportunity presented itself afterward, without second thoughts, I unexpectedly invited Topaz to a lunch date. Without hesitation I voiced out my inner thought, “Topaz would you like to eat lunch with me?” and to my surprise, he said himself that he was really starving. He accepted my invitation and I can feel my heart shedding tears of joy deep inside.
The chapter of Jade and Topaz begins. We went out together. Eat together. In a complete silence. The silence is deafening… Is this love? Or am I being tedious? I tried to break the silence with topics to talk about… but I completely have no idea how! I made fun of him, the way he ate his food. Honestly, that was stupid but he laughed! At least our mini-date is not that dull. Starting from that moment, we used to go out often, always the both of us and I was like, these are the collection of the best moments in my life when your crush is very supportive, willing to go out with you and stuff.
Another idea came to me. I told him I am willing to let him in into a gossip I recently learned. I asked him to promise me that he will not go arounds spreading to the others. I am taking this chance to mini-confess to him and sees his reaction. If he acted well, I proceed and pour out everything I brewed inside and if he didn’t, I will just switch the topic to the real gossip I brought with me. Well, he did act weird and I was kind of feeling sad, so I told him it was a joke and tell him the gossip. I kept the confession just to myself and hoping that he will forget whatever I told him.
There was one time I texted him saying that there’s something lingering on my mind that I worries so much about, when in actuality, I worries about him but I really cannot bring myself to say it to him. I really can’t. I was worrying about him looking too good and I can’t contest another girl for him. I am unready for the fact that he has another crush anywhere; be it on social media and whatnots.
I expected that if I can make Topaz look a little bit unattractive, I will be able to keep him. But he is far out of my league… when he hangs out with his friends, I am feeling so small and ignoble. With my average look, and the freckles on my face, my short stature, my medium-sized body, it’s hard to feel good. Despite my appearance, he will always say good things about me to his friends. I feel disgusted of myself. I have nothing that can be compared to his friend. I feel useless. I can feel it from the looks from his friends, they are looking at me disparagingly with a lot of uncertainty. Or so I thought. I am not a mind reader. I downed myself, thank you brain for doing this to me. I started to overthink. He is handsome. I am not matched to be with him. With all the efforts and energy left inside me, I once again decide to surrender. Because for me, the definition of love is when you are ready to sacrifice everything for the one you love. And this is mine. I am willing to let go of him so that I will not taint his appearance, his profile, his dignity, his everything! I told Topaz, please stop talking about me in front of your friends. I don’t like when people know things about me when in fact I do, but I assume that his friends will be curious about me and then ended up feeling disappointed, saying he could have chosen a better person, yeah?
I am broken into pieces. My heart is frozen. My self-esteemed went down the drain. I feel weak, helpless, useless, alone in this world and the mirror is betraying me. Stop showing my ugly nature, I am not beautiful! Why can’t I be like them? Why can’t I be like the cool kids? Why must I bear the fate of this ugly body and not the body of a model, with the face of artists, with the voice of nightingales? Depression and anxiety consumed me. I feel lazy to continue my life. Moreover, I was furious. It was his fault. It IS his fault. Topaz is at wrong here. If he did not steal my heart in the first place, I would not have ended up like this! I would not be mentally-ill! Why do you ask? He came back, asks me to tell him everything. I shared with him a little bit of my feelings but towards a ghost identity, I could not bring myself to tell him that in reality, I do love him. I create a persona and tell him how much I ‘loved’ that persona and I could not even finish it, he already told me to cry. I am not going to tell anyone. Just cry. Don’t keep it inside. I’ll listen.
I was speechless. Hey, I am strong, okay! I don’t need to cry in front of you! Hmph! In reality, I almost cried a river but it is obvious that with my ego as high as the blue skies, I won’t cry in front of my lovely crush as white as the snow angel and as beautiful as the shiny sun! Topaz, the warmth of his voice reached me and thaws my frozen heart and I believe I can learn to love, again. So back to the story, I told him about my past relationship and shared with him almost everything. Topaz shared about her past relationship too and how both of us thought that maybe both of us are not destined to be in relationship, only businesses. Talking about coincidence, eh? Maybe that’s the thing we have in common, business. I like to learn the art of trading, so do him. That’s what I guess the things that keeping us together so that we could have these kind of talks, because if not for it, we are usually not fitted to talk with each other given the huge difference in our age.
More or less about me, yes I do confess that my past relationships were always with older men, tad bit older than myself. I can’t bring myself to date young boy or the one with same ages as me, well because they are boys, not men! They did not face the horror of life yet, and I am looking for a man to love forever… once and for all. I wanted to love, like how Russian says, что любовь навсегда that is to chto lyubov’ navsegda, to love forever. Why my relationship did not work out so far? Maybe because I am not truly 23. On different aspect of life (apart of love life), my mind is on the very next level. The way I look at the world is probably different. So I wanted somebody older that possesses a mature mind. But believe me when I say this, I don’t want to date a 40-ishes man! I wish to date somebody with the mind of 40 but with the looks of somebody around my age. A lot of factors, to be honest.
[more to continue, will update later]